https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWjGpWMXCSE"When He Sees Me"
I have always gotten hung up on the "what if's" of life, especially when it comes to boys, but I never would think about the positive what-if's... what if he really isn't a crazy person? What if he is fun, and sweet, and caring, and not color blind? (That's my favorite line in the song, btw.) So, I let myself get comfortable. I let myself get complacent. I was happy with where I was, and what I was doing, and all the guys I wasn't kissing. That last one was a little sad. But when Tracie got married, (a lot of realizations happened then for me) I no longer had her as a constant companion for holidays, and trips, and regular Netflix watching. I got my dad to buy me a giant giraffe pillow pet (Gerard) that keeps me company, but he doesn't respond to my conversation and snuggles. The holidays, as I've already written, woke me up to how lonely I was, and I realized that the only person who could change that was me.
So.
I joined Tinder. Just to clarify, Mom, this was not your idea. ;) We all know that Tinder is not your typical manner of finding dates and lasting relationships, especially if "certain activities" are off the table. [I feel like now is a good time to tell you that my upcoming book will be titled "A Mormon on Tinder, and Other Oxymorons"] Known all over the world as the "hit-it-and-quit-it" app, I saw one friend not have great experiences with it. Flaky guys with stereotypical desires. I had another friend, one who shares the same spiritual beliefs that I do, who said she had experienced some of the best dates with guys on Tinder. I thought about it for a while, which made me want to vomit. Just thinking about talking to boys and then following through and dating them made me hyperventilate. I thought that while this process was not going to be perfect, or pretty, it would be a step in the right direction and would hopefully break down some of my walls. Like, maybe I'd stop referring to 30+ year-old guys as "boys".
"Fake it til you make it" became my motto. I signed up, played for a minute, hated it, deleted it. But then I realized that if I wanted to give it the old college try, I needed to commit. So, I played. I made some matches, I talked to several different guys and have gone on three dates (I have also gotten annoyed and deleted it one other time), but guess what? It's fun. I know, I know. . . I was surprised too. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have met a few interesting (read d-bag) fellas, but I have also met some really nice guys. In fact, I'm excited to go out with one this weekend; I might let you know how that goes. The the thing that has surprised me the most (besides how good I am at flirting) was that I started to care. I wanted to do my hair, and wear perfume, and go to the gym, and just be the best version of myself. I smile more and feel more confident, and it's awesome. I like it. Even if I were to delete the app (which I consider at least once a week), I feel confident that this new me is around to stay.
I'm excited about life. I'm excited about the future. I really like kissing. So, there you have it.
Love,
Kat 2.0
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