I had a shirt that said this once, from the mission. A sister was asked this by an Asian friend and it became an inside joke. I think about it and giggle all the time. But it's a good question. I get asked this pretty frequently, without the sarcasm or pity or whatever, but usually as a "I don't understand why you're not married" kind of thing.
Which is a great question. I think I know the answer though. One of my favorite romcom movies is "The Wedding Date". It's kind of trashy but I really love it. There is a scene where the love interest says in an article that he believes that every woman has the love life she really wants, to which the main character asks if he really believes she wants to be single and miserable. He responds that when she's ready, she'll let go and move on. Her dad later brings this article up to her, not knowing it was written by the love interest, and says that he refuses to believe that this is what she really wants. . . which brings me to me.
Why am I not married? I always say it's because I'm scared of boys, but really, I'm scared of being hurt by boys. As long as I am the one keeping myself out of the dating game, I am safe. I am protected. I'm not being rejected because I'm awkward and nervous and say the wrong things. I am comfortable. Sure, I'm lonely sometimes and I watch a lot of CSI and go to movies by myself (don't feel bad for that, it's awesome--I never have to wait for someone to see what I want to see) but I'm used to it, I can deal with it. It's gotta be easier than talking to guys, right?
Then Tracie got married. I didn't have a safety net anymore. Things got really real when she moved to Israel for Kevin's school. I can't even begin to explain how much I miss her. I was so nervous about Christmas, because I knew that it would make it all too real, and show me how "single" I really am. And it was hard. I mean, my family is amazing and loving and fantastic. I have the greatest parents and siblings and babies and they love me and I love them. I have phenomenal friends. One of them, who is really good at saying it like it is, when I had sent her a text about being lonely and hating the holiday and Israel, said this: " You know this isn't just Israel and the holiday. You want a family of
your own and unfortunately that means you have to put yourself out there
to find a partner." Which is the truth. I hate it when other people are right.
So, I can do hard things, right? I joined Tinder. Don't tell my mom because she'll think it was her idea. I never wanted to join the T because of the stigma it has... it is the "hit it and quit it" app. An easy way to find easy friends, not what you use to find lasting relationships. Then a friend told me that some of the best dates she has been on were from Tinder. I decided it would be good practice, a good way to talk to guys, go on a few dates, realize that it doesn't need to be as scary as I think it is, and then, well, I don't know the next step; cross that bridge when I get there.
I'm normally a very independent person, but dating brings out all the crazy in me. I think too much, I doubt my choices, I can no longer pick out my own clothing. I have to call my sisters and talk through everything. I process conversations with my friends because I just can't deal with it on my own. Seriously, the stress level of the last three weeks has been, like, ridiculous. I have to take the Nyquil to sleep or I lay awake and think all night. But I've been brave. I've set up dates, I've talked to three nice guys. One, going through a divorce, I hope will text me when it's final; my dad would like his beard. One took me to the shortest dinner I've ever had but then had to go grocery shopping, which is now a great story. One I've just been texting, but think we could have fun if we ever really meet. Can I just say, though, that it's amazing to me what an impact "just texting" can have? I have a total Pavlovian response every time my phone chirps that I have a text. I've had to literally turn off the sound on my phone at night so I sleep instead of wait for a text (which I should add sometimes happens with Tracie, but whatevs.) I mean, I love words. I love the power of words. I always loved emailing or texting guys because I felt I could be funny and flirty and intelligent without the awkwardness of real-life situations, but it presents other difficulties. It's hard to read emotion in texts, which is where I start to re-think ev-er-y-thing. . . will he know I'm kidding? Will he think I'm making fun of him? Wait, I should clarify... Oh, I should say this...I think I'm hilarious, but he's on the other side of the phone being really confused. . . Or annoyed. Or... or... or... Then I have to wait for a response. And it makes me crazy. So I have to call my sisters. Or take up drinking. I've already deleted Tinder once out of frustration, which was annoying
when I had to go back and re-do the bio that was annoying to write in
the first place. . . 500 characters to explain why you're worth
somebody's time. I'm telling you. Boarding the train to crazy town.
The point is, this is so, so scary, but I can do it. I know I am worth somebody's time. I have a lot of skills. I'm a great catch. I'm funny, and smart, and compassionate, and talented, and loving, and beautiful, and if I just remember these things, and remind myself that I won't be a citizen of crazy-town forever, it'll get easier. Right?
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