This just in: I'm not scared of guys anymore

I feel like this song from the new musical "Waitress" (with lyrics written by Sara Bareilles) describes my feelings about dating:

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWjGpWMXCSE"When He Sees Me"

I have always gotten hung up on the "what if's" of life, especially when it comes to boys, but I never would think about the positive what-if's... what if he really isn't a crazy person? What if he is fun, and sweet, and caring, and not color blind? (That's my favorite line in the song, btw.) So, I let myself get comfortable. I let myself get complacent. I was happy with where I was, and what I was doing, and all the guys I wasn't kissing. That last one was a little sad. But when Tracie got married, (a lot of realizations happened then for me) I no longer had her as a constant companion for holidays, and trips, and regular Netflix watching. I got my dad to buy me a giant giraffe pillow pet (Gerard) that keeps me company, but he doesn't respond to my conversation and snuggles. The holidays, as I've already written, woke me up to how lonely I was, and I realized that the only person who could change that was me.

So.

I joined Tinder. Just to clarify, Mom, this was not your idea. ;) We all know that Tinder is not your typical manner of finding dates and lasting relationships, especially if "certain activities" are off the table. [I feel like now is a good time to tell you that my upcoming book will be titled "A Mormon on Tinder, and Other Oxymorons"] Known all over the world as the "hit-it-and-quit-it" app, I saw one friend not have great experiences with it. Flaky guys with stereotypical desires. I had another friend, one who shares the same spiritual beliefs that I do, who said she had experienced some of the best dates with guys on Tinder. I thought about it for a while, which made me want to vomit. Just thinking about talking to boys and then following through and dating them made me hyperventilate. I thought that while this process was not going to be perfect, or pretty, it would be a step in the right direction and would hopefully break down some of my walls. Like, maybe I'd stop referring to 30+ year-old guys as "boys".

"Fake it til you make it" became my motto. I signed up, played for a minute, hated it, deleted it. But then I realized that if I wanted to give it the old college try, I needed to commit. So, I played. I made some matches, I talked to several different guys and have gone on three dates (I have also gotten annoyed and deleted it one other time), but guess what? It's fun. I know, I know. . . I was surprised too. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have met a few interesting (read d-bag) fellas, but I have also met some really nice guys. In fact, I'm excited to go out with one this weekend; I might let you know how that goes. The the thing that has surprised me the most (besides how good I am at flirting) was that I started to care. I wanted to do my hair, and wear perfume, and go to the gym, and just be the best version of myself. I smile more and feel more confident, and it's awesome. I like it. Even if I were to delete the app (which I consider at least once a week), I feel confident that this new me is around to stay.

I'm excited about life. I'm excited about the future. I really like kissing. So, there you have it.

Love,

Kat 2.0

What I Really Want

Someone asked me a few weeks ago what I was looking for in a man. When he asked, I really didn't know how to answer. I mean, I had ideas, but didn't know how to put it into words. I'm a girl, so I've made a lot of these lists in my time. I have found, though, that my needs, or wants, have changed over the years. I no longer care about specific physical characteristics or romantic comedy notions; I want real life. I want to feel safe. I want to feel loved. I want to feel desired. I want imperfect, because I'm imperfect. We can learn and grow together.
So, here it is, for better or for worse.

• He will make me laugh, but create a safe space to cry.
• He will make me feel beautiful and sexy, but also inspire me to do the things that make me feel that way for myself.
• He will scrape the ice/snow off my car in the winter. This is purely because I hate it.
• He will be imperfect, and make mistakes, but know how to fix them.
• He will be kind. 
• He will work hard to take care of and provide for our family, just as I will do the same; different jobs, same purpose.
• He will be passionate about me, and life, and learning.
• He will take care of me because he wants to, not because he feels he has to.
• He will be faithful to God, to me, to the intrinsic beliefs that guide his soul. (Too deep for a blog?)
• He will want to be the best daddy he can be. 
• He will want to take me out and show me off, but snuggle me in my pajama pants while we watch TV. 
• He will protect me and I will feel safest when I'm in his arms.
• He will hold my hand, even when our palms get sweaty.
• He will inspire me to do better, and to be better, as I will do for him.
• He will sit by me in church. (I want to marry someone good, but not so good that I have to wrangle the kids by myself every Sunday. Kidding. Kind of. I'm selfish.)
• He will know that I will do all I can to be all of these things for him, and more; but only because I'm an overachiever, not because it's a competition. But if it was, I would probably win.

Why you so single?

I had a shirt that said this once, from the mission. A sister was asked this by an Asian friend and it became an inside joke. I think about it and giggle all the time. But it's a good question. I get asked this pretty frequently, without the sarcasm or pity or whatever, but usually as a "I don't understand why you're not married" kind of thing.

Which is a great question. I think I know the answer though. One of my favorite romcom movies is "The Wedding Date". It's kind of trashy but I really love it. There is a scene where the love interest says in an article that he believes that every woman has the love life she really wants, to which the main character asks if he really believes she wants to be single and miserable. He responds that when she's ready, she'll let go and move on. Her dad later brings this article up to her, not knowing it was written by the love interest, and says that he refuses to believe that this is what she really wants. . . which brings me to me.

Why am I not married? I always say it's because I'm scared of boys, but really, I'm scared of being hurt by boys. As long as I am the one keeping myself out of the dating game, I am safe. I am protected. I'm not being rejected because I'm awkward and nervous and say the wrong things. I am comfortable. Sure, I'm lonely sometimes and I watch a lot of CSI and go to movies by myself (don't feel bad for that, it's awesome--I never have to wait for someone to see what I want to see) but I'm used to it, I can deal with it. It's gotta be easier than talking to guys, right?

Then Tracie got married. I didn't have a safety net anymore. Things got really real when she moved to Israel for Kevin's school. I can't even begin to explain how much I miss her. I was so nervous about Christmas, because I knew that it would make it all too real, and show me how "single" I really am. And it was hard. I mean, my family is amazing and loving and fantastic. I have the greatest parents and siblings and babies and they love me and I love them. I have phenomenal friends. One of them, who is really good at saying it like it is, when I had sent her a text about being lonely and hating the holiday and Israel, said this: " You know this isn't just Israel and the holiday. You want a family of your own and unfortunately that means you have to put yourself out there to find a partner." Which is the truth. I hate it when other people are right.

So, I can do hard things, right? I joined Tinder. Don't tell my mom because she'll think it was her idea. I never wanted to join the T because of the stigma it has... it is the "hit it and quit it" app. An easy way to find easy friends, not what you use to find lasting relationships. Then a friend told me that some of the best dates she has been on were from Tinder. I decided it would be good practice, a good way to talk to guys, go on a few dates, realize that it doesn't need to be as scary as I think it is, and then, well, I don't know the next step; cross that bridge when I get there.

I'm normally a very independent person, but dating brings out all the crazy in me. I think too much, I doubt my choices, I can no longer pick out my own clothing. I have to call my sisters and talk through everything. I process conversations with my friends because I just can't deal with it on my own. Seriously, the stress level of the last three weeks has been, like, ridiculous. I have to take the Nyquil to sleep or I lay awake and think all night. But I've been brave. I've set up dates, I've talked to three nice guys. One, going through a divorce, I hope will text me when it's final; my dad would like his beard. One took me to the shortest dinner I've ever had but then had to go grocery shopping, which is now a great story. One I've just been texting, but think we could have fun if we ever really meet. Can I just say, though, that it's amazing to me what an impact "just texting" can have? I have a total Pavlovian response every time my phone chirps that I have a text. I've had to literally turn off the sound on my phone at night so I sleep instead of wait for a text (which I should add sometimes happens with Tracie, but whatevs.) I mean, I love words. I love the power of words. I always loved emailing or texting guys because I felt I could be funny and flirty and intelligent without the awkwardness of real-life situations, but it presents other difficulties. It's hard to read emotion in texts, which is where I start to re-think ev-er-y-thing. . . will he know I'm kidding? Will he think I'm making fun of him? Wait, I should clarify... Oh, I should say this...I think I'm hilarious, but he's on the other side of the phone being really confused. . . Or annoyed. Or... or... or... Then I have to wait for a response. And it makes me crazy. So I have to call my sisters. Or take up drinking. I've already deleted Tinder once out of frustration, which was annoying when I had to go back and re-do the bio that was annoying to write in the first place. . . 500 characters to explain why you're worth somebody's time. I'm telling you. Boarding the train to crazy town.

The point is, this is so, so scary, but I can do it. I know I am worth somebody's time. I have a lot of skills. I'm a great catch. I'm funny, and smart, and compassionate, and talented, and loving, and beautiful, and if I just remember these things, and remind myself that I won't be a citizen of crazy-town forever, it'll get easier. Right?

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