My Friend April

So I have this friend named April Guadalupe de Santiago Wilde, and these are a few strange habits she has.
-April likes dogs. She likes dogs so much that she will often have numerous dogs on her bed without even knowing it. Maybe that is because they are camouflaged by her dog bedspread. She also has dog curtains, rugs, socks, wall hangings, and poop on her backyard lawn. She gets $.25 for each pile of poop she scoops, but that's not enough to tempt her. She makes her dogs scoop their own poop because they are that smart.
-April likes to whisper sweet nothings in your ear. Really, nobody knows what she says. She does it to dogs, too, but they don't get it. They just want to lick her face, and who likes that? Besides April.
-April has no regard for personal space. She will often stand directly in front of you and speak to you, usually in spanish because that is the language of love. And Corona. That's beer, which I think April likes. She washes her hair in it because
-April likes to dye her hair. So much that once it was yellow like the sun. And so, to condition and make it shiny and supple, she washes it with cheap liquor.
-April thinks everyone's name should be April. She has a best friend named April and they are both very pretty people, so they think that if everybody changed their name to April, there would be a lot more pretty people in the world. She is trying to convince her other best friend Julia-April that she should name her daughter April-Biph. And that she should reverse the names around the hyphen to April-Julia. Now, April does concede that most people are pretty enough to BE April's already, but by simply adding those five letters would really increase their quality of life.
-Lastly, April is nice. Even with her dog, whispering and name obsessions. And she has rockin' bathroom stories. And you know how I love my bathroom stories.